Ramblings of a Dietetics Major


Friday, December 26, 2014

The more things change...

The more they stay the same. I do agree with some connotations of this time-honored phrase. I thought I would be less busy after finishing grad school. I’m not. I thought a new job would make me all the more convinced that I would love being a dietitian. It has not. (Well, at least not often enough for my liking). I thought I would have my life together and feel mature enough to handle it when I was 24. I definitely do not.

And another thing that definitely has not changed for me: My inability to handle silence. Pretty sure there is another blog post on here to that effect. Don’t get me wrong, I do like a little quiet every now and then. A country kid at heart, living in a city (yes, Iowa City is a big place to me; I give you permission to laugh at me) can sometimes be a challenge. I need to be outside in the quiet on a regular basis. I am also one of those odd people that enjoys silence when they’re home alone. I’ll occasionally play music, but I overall very much appreciate the silence after being around intercoms, noise, and commotion for 10-12 hours a day.

So what exactly is the type of silence I struggle to handle? That of not being around people. Alone time is important, don’t get me wrong, but my quota of alone time is 30-60 minutes a day tops and then I start to go stir crazy. Maybe it’s because I grew up always around my family. Maybe it’s just because God has willed for me to be an incredibly extroverted and people-loving individual. I really don’t know. But I do know that it is a hard thing for me to process. And sometimes Martha left with too much processing time can be a very interesting thing…

I spent Christmas this year predominantly solo. Please know that this is not a plea for feel-sorry-for-me pity. My situation this Christmas happened of my own choosing due to conflicting work/family/life schedules. And as a result of these occurrences, I was able to spend part of the afternoon with a pretty great guy. So all was most definitely not lost. J But, this did cause me to ponder, yet again, why I struggle so much with being by myself – for more than an hour. Maybe I don’t want to take the time (or be perceptive and patient enough) to actually think about deeper life questions. Maybe it’s because I’m more exhausted than I care to admit and am embarrassed when I catch myself falling asleep when I was not intending to. (No joke, I went to bed at 7:40 p.m. last night). Or, maybe it’s because humankind is meant to be innately social. Or maybe it is for none of these reasons. I still have no good answers except for the fact that I know it happens and I’m still trying to figure out how exactly to handle it.

I do think it’s a good thing, to be a bit uncomfortable sometimes, to have time and space to think, and to actually take the time to do so. I wonder if the root of all these struggles I have with silence (and rest, for that matter) is that I am a bit too much of a Martha. In spite of the fact that I wrote my entire Christian Scriptures II exegesis to prove that Martha was not as evil as we often make her out to be, I will admit that she had some flaws, ones that I definitely possess. I’m almost always “doing", never resting, not always reflecting, and these are, when boiled down to the heart of the matter, ways to try and exert myself as a mini-god over my life. I was raised a good enough Calvinist to know that I am not solely in control of my life. But, by keeping myself constantly busy, immersed in “noise”, etc., I am in essence saying that I think I can live my life the way I want and please God. No rest or silence needed, both of which God instituted for our own good. For the past 6+ years, God has been trying to get my attention in that area. And while I covered this up with college, grad school, etc., these things are not excuses. It’s really only been over the past 6-12 months that I’ve thought more deeply about these things and tried to make intentional changes – not only for my own sanity and wellbeing, but more importantly to follow the life pattern God has laid out for His people.

Please do not take this all to mean I think I’m a terrible person because I like to be busy and love people, because I don’t. I know God gifted me in those ways for a reason and these Martha-tendencies can be used for His glory. But, I also know, it is very easy to have my biggest strengths become my biggest weaknesses – a phrase my dad repeated often from a sermon or some such source during my childhood. And it is true. And thus I am glad that God has, once again, reminded me of my need for still silence as well as my need for Him.

So, if you’re in a similar place, know you have found a kindred spirit. If not, hopefully this helps you appreciate that the struggle is real for some of us extroverted, busy humans. Good thing God made us all different, isn’t it? I am ever-thankful that He extends His grace to even the most complicated and confused folk such as me.