On Love and Being Loved, Part One

Love it (no pun intended) or hate it, Valentine’s Day is here. While I have only been in a dating/marriage relationship for three of the twenty-six Valentine’s Days I’ve experienced, I must say that I’ve actually always enjoyed the day. Yes, there was some annoyance with the overly and outwardly affectionate couples, and there was sometimes that feeling of awkwardness about being one of the precious few single folks (or, so it seemed at the time.) But, overall, I have fond recollections of Valentine’s Day. From the homeschool group parties growing up to special packages from my grandparents to fun times spent with my roommates during college, I’ve never thought bitterly about this particular holiday.

But, I don’t think this is the case for everyone. My Facebook feed abounds with posts about embracing singleness (or, drowning your woes of such feelings with other similarly-placed friends), “Galentines Day” posts, and any number of other similarly-sentimented things. And, let me say right now, I think this can be good. Everyone is loved and valued and special; when they don’t believe this to be true, it makes me incredibly sad. We all need a boost sometimes. But, behind all of these “singleness power” or “I’m loved, too” style posts, I can’t help but feel that there is a sadness, a longing to belong, a desire to be (and more importantly feel) really and truly loved.

Case in point, my Google Play station just showed a “Being Single” mood for choosing music this evening.

And so, this will not be your traditional “I love my husband and here’s my gushing about how awesome he is” Valentine's Day post. He is, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think this is the time and place. And here’s why: I think, as a culture, we have a serious problem with the word “love.” We want to be loved, and loved in return, and I sense the hurt and longing associated with that word among those I interact with each day. But, when we place our focus on this romantic love, we lose sight of the greatest love in our lives, the one that gives meaning to the love we experience in our other relationships.

And so, friends, I hope and pray that you feel loved. Because you are. So much that someone (and not just “someone,” but the Creator of the universe) sent His only Son – completely blameless of any wrongdoing – to die for you. If that doesn’t give you meaning and purpose, I’m not sure I know what will. And this is just the point: When we look for fulfillment in dating relationships or marriage or our jobs or our children or any other thing, we won’t feel completely loved. These things are not where we’re meant to find our worth. All of them are good. All of them are from God. They can most definitely be used for His glory and to further His kingdom. However, when taken out of such context, the very things that make up the daily fabric of our lives lose part of their meaning.

While I am very happily married this Valentine’s Day and am looking forward to many more with my husband, I can also say that I was very happily single on Valentine’s Days past. Not that I never wished I was dating someone or never struggled at times with feelings of “what is wrong with me and why does no one seem interested in me?” I definitely did. (To put this in perspective, I went on my first legitimate date during my second year of grad school.) This feeling intensified when a brief dating relationship prior to my meeting Josiah came to rest. Through all these instances, though, I learned that my worth and meaning needed to be firmly and only rooted in my identity as a child of God. My purpose in this world is to glorify Him, and that can be done through a variety of ways – single, dating, or married. It wasn’t an “I don’t need a man!” attitude, but rather, one of relying on God to place me where He wanted me to be. And so, I have embraced the people and opportunities are around me.  I have tried to show others this same love and truth that I myself experience. And in these things, I have been content. In years past, I did not feel lesser (or superior, pending the circles I was in) to my married friends. I wasn’t particularly seeking out to change my life’s relationship status. I was really and truly fulfilled, happy, and loved, just as I am now. This has obviously changed in regards how it is experienced recently compared to previously, but the inner workings of Martha and how I feel have remained much the same. I can’t imagine my life without my husband now; he truly does complete me and points me daily - lets be real, multiple times per day - towards my need for Christ. But, I also felt complete prior to being married.

And so, friends, if my ramblings today have made no sense, remember this: No matter what your relationship status or lack thereof, please, please remember: You are loved, by me, by others, and most importantly, by the origin of all true love. Celebrate the day with flowers and chocolate and all number of other special things. But, please do not forget the essence of what it all means. 

On Love and Being Loved, Part Two

As a continuation of my previous reflections on love, I wanted to follow up with something a bit more specific: What human love really is. I know this varies depending on the person, the relationship, the circumstances, the like. Everyone is different. But, I do think there are some similarities.

And so, this post may really only end up being a shout-out to those in my life who do an amazing job of loving me and others. But, hopefully, this can be encouraging to you, too. Likely you help many people feel incredibly loved without realizing it. I often don’t feel as though I do a very good job at showing love to those around me. But, in that, I’ve went astray: I’m not the one doing the loving. Rather, letting God work through me and being willing to carry out His work is how to share and demonstrate this love.  

Now, without any further ado, the real meat of this message: What love really is.

Love is all the time, not just Valentine’s Day. Few things drive me more insane than the commercialism and single-day-nature of Valentine’s Day romanticism. It is a special day, for sure, and who doesn’t like valentines? However, I honestly really don’t care how I’m treated one day a year; I care about how I’m treated the other 364 days of the year.

One of the things I remember vividly about my parents’ relationship is that both lived this sentiment well. Valentine’s Day wasn’t a big deal – in fact, they even both forgot their anniversary one year. But, they never forgot they love they had for each other, which was visible on a daily basis. My dad would bring my mom home her favorite Girl Scout cookies when a coworker’s daughter was selling them or spontaneously buy roses or a plant because he thought it would brighten the kitchen (a location in which my mother, having five children at home, spent much of her time.) My mom made their house a home, caring for it, the kids, the day-to-day work; she would daily pack my dad’s lunch and make his favorite foods on especially rough days. My parents regularly made time to spend together. When my dad worked twelve hour days and my mom was busy caring for a home and homeschooling, I can imagine that was pretty difficult. But, they made it a priority. And because of this, they are still best friends and forever valentines almost twenty-seven years later.

                 My parents, Josiah and myself at the wedding.

In a similar way, Josiah has always very much demonstrated his love for me in real ways, both tangible and intangible. After my parents told him that I get rather, uh, cranky when I’m hungry, Josiah made sure to have my car stocked with (dietitian-approved) nonperishable snacks. Even before we were married, he insisted on doing the dishes each night before heading back to his apartment because he knew that messes stress me out. On more than one occasion (and often on no occasion in particular), he had flowers delivered to me at work because he knows how much I love any and all things green and floral. He custom-designed my engagement ring because he knew that I don’t really like big gemstones or traditional designs. He scrapes the car off every morning before I leave for work so that I don’t have to be out in the cold. I think you get the picture: He shows me, not simply tells me, that he loves me. Verbalizing love is important, too, but so are actions. If my reformed upbringing taught me nothing else, it instilled in my mind a sense of “actions speak louder than words.” I need to be intentional and do something about the things I say. And, while this may not be true always, I do definitely think it is such in regards to love.

And so, I challenge you: How can you show love to someone today, tomorrow on Valentine’s Day, and this upcoming week or year? It may be through something as simple as a smile or quick text message, or maybe through something as elaborate as a special meal or time spent together. And, of course, it should be something through which the other person will feel loved, not just an idea that you personally would like. However, whatever the avenue, know that it does matter; your actions will add true meaning and value to your words of love.