The more they stay the same. I do agree with some
connotations of this time-honored phrase. I thought I would be less busy after
finishing grad school. I’m not. I thought a new job would make me all the more
convinced that I would love being a dietitian. It has not. (Well, at least not often
enough for my liking). I thought I would have my life together and feel mature
enough to handle it when I was 24. I definitely do not.
And another thing that definitely has not changed for me: My
inability to handle silence. Pretty sure there is another blog post on here to
that effect. Don’t get me wrong, I do like a little quiet every now and then. A
country kid at heart, living in a city (yes, Iowa City is a big place to me; I
give you permission to laugh at me) can sometimes be a challenge. I need to be
outside in the quiet on a regular basis. I am also one of those odd people that
enjoys silence when they’re home alone. I’ll occasionally play music, but I
overall very much appreciate the silence after being around intercoms, noise,
and commotion for 10-12 hours a day.
So what exactly is the type of silence I struggle to handle? That
of not being around people. Alone time is important, don’t get me wrong, but my
quota of alone time is 30-60 minutes a day tops and then I start to go stir
crazy. Maybe it’s because I grew up always around my family. Maybe it’s
just because God has willed for me to be an incredibly extroverted and people-loving
individual. I really don’t know. But I do know that it is a hard thing for me
to process. And sometimes Martha left with too much processing time can be a
very interesting thing…
I spent Christmas this year predominantly solo. Please know that this is not a plea for feel-sorry-for-me pity. My situation this Christmas happened of my own
choosing due to conflicting work/family/life schedules. And as a result of these
occurrences, I was able to spend part of the afternoon with a pretty great guy.
So all was most definitely not lost. J
But, this did cause me to ponder, yet again, why I struggle so much with being
by myself – for more than an hour. Maybe I don’t want to take the time (or be
perceptive and patient enough) to actually think about deeper life questions.
Maybe it’s because I’m more exhausted than I care to admit and am embarrassed when
I catch myself falling asleep when I was not intending to. (No joke, I went to bed
at 7:40 p.m. last night). Or, maybe it’s because humankind is meant to be
innately social. Or maybe it is for none of these reasons. I still have no good
answers except for the fact that I know it happens and I’m still trying to
figure out how exactly to handle it.
I do think it’s a good thing, to be a bit uncomfortable
sometimes, to have time and space to think, and to actually take the time to do
so. I wonder if the root of all these struggles I have with silence (and rest,
for that matter) is that I am a bit too much of a Martha. In spite of the fact that I wrote my entire Christian Scriptures II exegesis to prove that Martha was not as evil as we often make her out to be, I will admit that she had some flaws, ones that I definitely possess. I’m almost always “doing", never resting, not always reflecting, and these are, when boiled down to the
heart of the matter, ways to try and exert myself as a mini-god over my life. I was raised a good enough Calvinist to know
that I am not solely in control of my life. But, by keeping myself constantly busy, immersed in “noise”, etc.,
I am in essence saying that I think I can live my life the way I want and
please God. No rest or silence needed, both of which God instituted for our own good. For the past 6+ years, God has been
trying to get my attention in that area. And while I covered this up with college,
grad school, etc., these things are not excuses. It’s really only been over the
past 6-12 months that I’ve thought more deeply about these things and tried to
make intentional changes – not only for my own sanity and wellbeing, but more
importantly to follow the life pattern God has laid out for His people.
Please do not take this all to mean I think I’m a terrible
person because I like to be busy and love people, because I don’t. I know God
gifted me in those ways for a reason and these Martha-tendencies can be used
for His glory. But, I also know, it is very easy to have my biggest strengths
become my biggest weaknesses – a phrase my dad repeated often from a sermon or
some such source during my childhood. And it is true. And thus I am glad that
God has, once again, reminded me of my need for still silence as well as my
need for Him.
So, if you’re in a similar place, know you have found a
kindred spirit. If not, hopefully this helps you appreciate that the struggle
is real for some of us extroverted, busy humans. Good thing God made us all
different, isn’t it? I am ever-thankful that He extends His grace to even the
most complicated and confused folk such as me.
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