The more things change...

The more they stay the same. I do agree with some connotations of this time-honored phrase. I thought I would be less busy after finishing grad school. I’m not. I thought a new job would make me all the more convinced that I would love being a dietitian. It has not. (Well, at least not often enough for my liking). I thought I would have my life together and feel mature enough to handle it when I was 24. I definitely do not.

And another thing that definitely has not changed for me: My inability to handle silence. Pretty sure there is another blog post on here to that effect. Don’t get me wrong, I do like a little quiet every now and then. A country kid at heart, living in a city (yes, Iowa City is a big place to me; I give you permission to laugh at me) can sometimes be a challenge. I need to be outside in the quiet on a regular basis. I am also one of those odd people that enjoys silence when they’re home alone. I’ll occasionally play music, but I overall very much appreciate the silence after being around intercoms, noise, and commotion for 10-12 hours a day.

So what exactly is the type of silence I struggle to handle? That of not being around people. Alone time is important, don’t get me wrong, but my quota of alone time is 30-60 minutes a day tops and then I start to go stir crazy. Maybe it’s because I grew up always around my family. Maybe it’s just because God has willed for me to be an incredibly extroverted and people-loving individual. I really don’t know. But I do know that it is a hard thing for me to process. And sometimes Martha left with too much processing time can be a very interesting thing…

I spent Christmas this year predominantly solo. Please know that this is not a plea for feel-sorry-for-me pity. My situation this Christmas happened of my own choosing due to conflicting work/family/life schedules. And as a result of these occurrences, I was able to spend part of the afternoon with a pretty great guy. So all was most definitely not lost. J But, this did cause me to ponder, yet again, why I struggle so much with being by myself – for more than an hour. Maybe I don’t want to take the time (or be perceptive and patient enough) to actually think about deeper life questions. Maybe it’s because I’m more exhausted than I care to admit and am embarrassed when I catch myself falling asleep when I was not intending to. (No joke, I went to bed at 7:40 p.m. last night). Or, maybe it’s because humankind is meant to be innately social. Or maybe it is for none of these reasons. I still have no good answers except for the fact that I know it happens and I’m still trying to figure out how exactly to handle it.

I do think it’s a good thing, to be a bit uncomfortable sometimes, to have time and space to think, and to actually take the time to do so. I wonder if the root of all these struggles I have with silence (and rest, for that matter) is that I am a bit too much of a Martha. In spite of the fact that I wrote my entire Christian Scriptures II exegesis to prove that Martha was not as evil as we often make her out to be, I will admit that she had some flaws, ones that I definitely possess. I’m almost always “doing", never resting, not always reflecting, and these are, when boiled down to the heart of the matter, ways to try and exert myself as a mini-god over my life. I was raised a good enough Calvinist to know that I am not solely in control of my life. But, by keeping myself constantly busy, immersed in “noise”, etc., I am in essence saying that I think I can live my life the way I want and please God. No rest or silence needed, both of which God instituted for our own good. For the past 6+ years, God has been trying to get my attention in that area. And while I covered this up with college, grad school, etc., these things are not excuses. It’s really only been over the past 6-12 months that I’ve thought more deeply about these things and tried to make intentional changes – not only for my own sanity and wellbeing, but more importantly to follow the life pattern God has laid out for His people.

Please do not take this all to mean I think I’m a terrible person because I like to be busy and love people, because I don’t. I know God gifted me in those ways for a reason and these Martha-tendencies can be used for His glory. But, I also know, it is very easy to have my biggest strengths become my biggest weaknesses – a phrase my dad repeated often from a sermon or some such source during my childhood. And it is true. And thus I am glad that God has, once again, reminded me of my need for still silence as well as my need for Him.

So, if you’re in a similar place, know you have found a kindred spirit. If not, hopefully this helps you appreciate that the struggle is real for some of us extroverted, busy humans. Good thing God made us all different, isn’t it? I am ever-thankful that He extends His grace to even the most complicated and confused folk such as me. 

Being Secure in Insecurity

I really was not planning to continue this blog, since I do an incredibly poor job of updating it and generally feel that I have very little to say that many would find interesting. But, I have since been reminded that writing helps me process thoughts better. And if it encourages someone else in the process, all the better! All this to say, my ramblings will continue. Prepare yourselves. :)

Life update: I graduated (yay!), have a full-time job as a retail dietitian, am an adjunct professor at Iowa, turned another year older, and life in general has been good. Definitely busier than what I thought – after all, your life gets less crazy the older you get, right? (You can laugh at me now – because I am). I believed at least some of the busyness would subside with not being in school, but that has not been the case. I’ve maintained my long-held belief of “just keep plowing through”, so at least I have that going for me. And I wouldn’t not be involved in any of the things that occupy my time. So I’ve decided to quit complaining about it and continue to enjoy the various opportunities, relationships, and activities that God has placed in my path.

One incredibly beneficial activity I’ve been able to be involved in this fall is a discipleship group at my church. More focused on how we cultivate a Gospel-filled life, how to disciple others, and theology versus solely Bible study, this is exactly what I needed at this point in my life. I had inklings, but didn’t fully realize, how many spiritual things I’ve either not thought through completely or have ignored for the past 6ish years while being in college. I don’t regret decisions I made about my faith and how I engaged in it during these years, but I am definitely aware that more intentional cultivation needs to happen as I embark in my adult life.

One area of weakness that has become especially obvious to me during this study is that of insecurity and self-worth. I have always had a firm foundation in my worth being defined as a child of God whose sole purpose and mission is to serve and enjoy Him. I am ever-thankful that my parents instilled this in me at a young age. However much I may hold this belief, however, deeper reflection has revealed that I don’t always act that way.

Take my job, for example. First, starting a new job is always hard and you will be worried about a variety of things. However, I have noticed that I have been thinking much more about how my actions are perceived, how others subsequently treat me, and other similar things, which in turn play into how I feel about my work. Some of this is a good thing, to be sure. Reflexivity is often beneficial. But, I also cannot let these thoughts cripple me or make me feel awkward and ineffective all the time.

In a similar way, my relationships with others should not define my worth or security in myself. Obviously, these relationships with family, friends, and others are incredibly important. And being someone who is rather extroverted and incredibly people-centered, likely I am more affected by this than others. However, I need to derive my ultimate assurance of worth, satisfaction, and security in Christ alone. 

When I take the time to dig through my thoughts and actions down to the core, it is amazing how many are rooted in these sinful patterns of insecurity. Naming and owning it is part of solving the problem, but the true solution comes when these things cause us to fall all the more on Christ’s atonement and God’s redeeming love and grace. I cannot be full and complete on my own, to be sure. But, I do happen to have a God who makes this possible and who uses these things to draw me closer to Himself. And for that I am forever thankful.

Now that my philosophizing for the day is complete and the temperature has risen to 20 degrees, I think it’s time for a Saturday morning run. We’re even supposed to get snow today, so I’m pretty excited. J Enjoy the day, friends! 

Autumn Happiness

One thing Martha is learning this year is that she should never promise that she will update things often, as it seems to simply not happen. So, maybe it would be better if you all assume I won’t post often, and then you can be pleasantly surprised when I do. J

I cannot believe it is almost October! September has flown by, but I must admit that I have been in a state of bliss lately due to the gorgeous fall weather and colors. Also, this time of year seems to keep me grounded in being thankful. Even in the everyday stresses of busy schedules and challenging tasks, I am ever-reminded of God’s faithfulness and blessings in my life.

I have completed almost 2 months of my internship already! I will finish my oncology rotation on Friday, starting neuroscience on Tuesday. As you may remember, my first rotation was GI surgery, which was great. I am so glad that I am an intern at a teaching hospital, as all of my preceptors and other UIHC staff are extremely helpful and willing to help us learn. There is definitely a learning curve in each rotation, and, honestly, I know that I am in no way fully competent in each area after 9 days of experience. But, at least it gives me a basic understanding. And, I guess I find it somewhat encouraging that I will always be learning. Keeps me from getting unknowingly cocky and reminds me that so much in this world is out of my control and understanding.

You know those times when you realize just how naïve you are? Well, welcome to my life during my clinical rotations. Aside from being a green intern unfamiliar with policies, procedures, protocols, etc., add in the fact that I had no idea of the prevalence of many serious illnesses. Or even what some of these conditions would some of them would be.  Or just how sad it is to see these patients and know that you are able to do so little to help them. I was able to assess patients with cystic fibrosis in my first rotation and came out of the experience truly realizing how blessed I am. When you are face to face with an individual your own age who has to frequently put their entire life on hold in order to come in for treatment to make it so that they can breathe, it makes my worries of finishing homework or managing my schedule seem pretty insignificant. Also, seeing a patient with lung cancer who you (in your albeit novice opinion) thought had a good prognosis take a turn for the worse and go into palliative care in the span of a few days makes you stop and think. Talking with an individual with myeloma who you would have sworn was in their 70s only to discover they are actually in their 50s is eye opening. Helping someone discover healthful, economic food options due to only having $16 of governmental food aid per month reminds me to count my blessings. So, aside from the interesting and beneficial experience I am gaining in assessing these patients, I am finding that I also have been given even more opportunities to praise and thank the One who is in charge of all things. My life goal that I used for scholarship applications way back in high school and refined in FACS 101/498 is still applicable: My life’s purpose is to glorify God by serving others with the talents that He has given me, so as to enable individuals to live happier and healthier lives. And, I am becoming more and more assured each day that I am doing what God wants me to. At least for now.

One final note about what I’ve been learning: NEVER underestimate how much simply smiling at someone or saying hello can make their day. Those of you who know me already know and remind me often of how much I do both of these things. I can’t help it! Besides being that way by nature, living in the Midwest and working in customer service-oriented jobs have “ruined” me for life. J But, I’ve noticed how this isn’t normal in our world and also that people really appreciate a simple acknowledgement of their presence. Especially in the acute care setting, I’m finding that being pleasant helps put people at peace in the midst of extremely stressful situations. Not that I haven’t had irritated families and patients who would rather that I just didn’t talk to them. I do. However, what do I have to lose by being upbeat? Absolutely nothing.  And, more times than not, people appreciate it. All this to say, smile with abandon, my friends. It’s in these little things that we’re able to witness our faith in a world that needs hope.

Completely unplanned, that segways nicely into my next topic: Church. In short, I absolutely love the congregation in which I currently find myself. I didn’t realize just how much I had missed the reformed doctrine of my upbringing until returning to it now. The fact that confessions/liturgy are a part of our service makes me happy. People here actually know what the Westminster Shorter Catechism is! (Sorry Olivet folk, I just had to throw that one in J). One Ancient Hope is diverse both generationally and culturally and I have appreciated finding other like-minded young adults. I’ve been able to start connecting with people through events and (soon!) community groups, so I am excited. The Christian faith isn’t meant to be lived alone, so I am thankful that this congregation is serious about living in community. In fact, I was able to start my morning with breakfast (okay, that part is normal for me), made even better with the company of my two new-found friends from church. I sense that we are kindred spirits and am excited to get to know them better. And, my lemon blueberry waffle and Guatemalan Forestal coffee was amazing, for the record. Iowa City residents, check out Fair Grounds Café on Dubuque Street.  You won’t be disappointed.

Aside from the internship, classes, homework, church, and work, a big part of my life (and what I have decided to blame my busyness on) is marathon training. Only 11 more days until I run the Chicago Marathon! I must admit to becoming a little nervous, given that my longest run (per the training schedule, I might add) was 20 miles. I know that I can do it, but I’ll definitely need to get myself psyched up for this one. I never realized just how mental running was until this year. Five months of training later, I’m getting it down, but it still isn’t easy. But, I’m still excited and glad to be able to raise funds for World Vision. And, another exciting part of running this particular marathon, I’ll get to see ONU friends and be back in Chicago!

One final topic of Martha-ness for your day: Food. (A dietetics blog has to mention food numerous times, right?) Living the single life is definitely different than at home (which I expected) and college (didn’t expect quite this much difference). I do cook, but not as much as I originally expected due to busy schedules. However, I am determined not to let my diet consist only of peanut butter sandwiches and cereal (as much as I like both of those things) and thus have hit upon a strategy I think will work nicely, one I’ve seen utilized my entire life by family and friends. I’ve started making a big batch of a given food (more on that in a minute), freezing it in amounts to last me a few days, and then pulling these out of the freezer as needed.  

Dinner #1: Caramelized onion and cranberry rice with chicken breast and carrots

                      Dinner #2: Chicken breast, quinoa with sauteed peppers and onions

And, it doesn't have a picture but still deserves mention: Black Bean & Sweet Potato Chili. Yum!

Thanks for sticking with me through this lengthy update. But, I gave myself some slack in that it takes awhile to update someone on over a month of life. At least that’s what I tell myself. J