The more things change...

The more they stay the same. I do agree with some connotations of this time-honored phrase. I thought I would be less busy after finishing grad school. I’m not. I thought a new job would make me all the more convinced that I would love being a dietitian. It has not. (Well, at least not often enough for my liking). I thought I would have my life together and feel mature enough to handle it when I was 24. I definitely do not.

And another thing that definitely has not changed for me: My inability to handle silence. Pretty sure there is another blog post on here to that effect. Don’t get me wrong, I do like a little quiet every now and then. A country kid at heart, living in a city (yes, Iowa City is a big place to me; I give you permission to laugh at me) can sometimes be a challenge. I need to be outside in the quiet on a regular basis. I am also one of those odd people that enjoys silence when they’re home alone. I’ll occasionally play music, but I overall very much appreciate the silence after being around intercoms, noise, and commotion for 10-12 hours a day.

So what exactly is the type of silence I struggle to handle? That of not being around people. Alone time is important, don’t get me wrong, but my quota of alone time is 30-60 minutes a day tops and then I start to go stir crazy. Maybe it’s because I grew up always around my family. Maybe it’s just because God has willed for me to be an incredibly extroverted and people-loving individual. I really don’t know. But I do know that it is a hard thing for me to process. And sometimes Martha left with too much processing time can be a very interesting thing…

I spent Christmas this year predominantly solo. Please know that this is not a plea for feel-sorry-for-me pity. My situation this Christmas happened of my own choosing due to conflicting work/family/life schedules. And as a result of these occurrences, I was able to spend part of the afternoon with a pretty great guy. So all was most definitely not lost. J But, this did cause me to ponder, yet again, why I struggle so much with being by myself – for more than an hour. Maybe I don’t want to take the time (or be perceptive and patient enough) to actually think about deeper life questions. Maybe it’s because I’m more exhausted than I care to admit and am embarrassed when I catch myself falling asleep when I was not intending to. (No joke, I went to bed at 7:40 p.m. last night). Or, maybe it’s because humankind is meant to be innately social. Or maybe it is for none of these reasons. I still have no good answers except for the fact that I know it happens and I’m still trying to figure out how exactly to handle it.

I do think it’s a good thing, to be a bit uncomfortable sometimes, to have time and space to think, and to actually take the time to do so. I wonder if the root of all these struggles I have with silence (and rest, for that matter) is that I am a bit too much of a Martha. In spite of the fact that I wrote my entire Christian Scriptures II exegesis to prove that Martha was not as evil as we often make her out to be, I will admit that she had some flaws, ones that I definitely possess. I’m almost always “doing", never resting, not always reflecting, and these are, when boiled down to the heart of the matter, ways to try and exert myself as a mini-god over my life. I was raised a good enough Calvinist to know that I am not solely in control of my life. But, by keeping myself constantly busy, immersed in “noise”, etc., I am in essence saying that I think I can live my life the way I want and please God. No rest or silence needed, both of which God instituted for our own good. For the past 6+ years, God has been trying to get my attention in that area. And while I covered this up with college, grad school, etc., these things are not excuses. It’s really only been over the past 6-12 months that I’ve thought more deeply about these things and tried to make intentional changes – not only for my own sanity and wellbeing, but more importantly to follow the life pattern God has laid out for His people.

Please do not take this all to mean I think I’m a terrible person because I like to be busy and love people, because I don’t. I know God gifted me in those ways for a reason and these Martha-tendencies can be used for His glory. But, I also know, it is very easy to have my biggest strengths become my biggest weaknesses – a phrase my dad repeated often from a sermon or some such source during my childhood. And it is true. And thus I am glad that God has, once again, reminded me of my need for still silence as well as my need for Him.

So, if you’re in a similar place, know you have found a kindred spirit. If not, hopefully this helps you appreciate that the struggle is real for some of us extroverted, busy humans. Good thing God made us all different, isn’t it? I am ever-thankful that He extends His grace to even the most complicated and confused folk such as me. 

Being Secure in Insecurity

I really was not planning to continue this blog, since I do an incredibly poor job of updating it and generally feel that I have very little to say that many would find interesting. But, I have since been reminded that writing helps me process thoughts better. And if it encourages someone else in the process, all the better! All this to say, my ramblings will continue. Prepare yourselves. :)

Life update: I graduated (yay!), have a full-time job as a retail dietitian, am an adjunct professor at Iowa, turned another year older, and life in general has been good. Definitely busier than what I thought – after all, your life gets less crazy the older you get, right? (You can laugh at me now – because I am). I believed at least some of the busyness would subside with not being in school, but that has not been the case. I’ve maintained my long-held belief of “just keep plowing through”, so at least I have that going for me. And I wouldn’t not be involved in any of the things that occupy my time. So I’ve decided to quit complaining about it and continue to enjoy the various opportunities, relationships, and activities that God has placed in my path.

One incredibly beneficial activity I’ve been able to be involved in this fall is a discipleship group at my church. More focused on how we cultivate a Gospel-filled life, how to disciple others, and theology versus solely Bible study, this is exactly what I needed at this point in my life. I had inklings, but didn’t fully realize, how many spiritual things I’ve either not thought through completely or have ignored for the past 6ish years while being in college. I don’t regret decisions I made about my faith and how I engaged in it during these years, but I am definitely aware that more intentional cultivation needs to happen as I embark in my adult life.

One area of weakness that has become especially obvious to me during this study is that of insecurity and self-worth. I have always had a firm foundation in my worth being defined as a child of God whose sole purpose and mission is to serve and enjoy Him. I am ever-thankful that my parents instilled this in me at a young age. However much I may hold this belief, however, deeper reflection has revealed that I don’t always act that way.

Take my job, for example. First, starting a new job is always hard and you will be worried about a variety of things. However, I have noticed that I have been thinking much more about how my actions are perceived, how others subsequently treat me, and other similar things, which in turn play into how I feel about my work. Some of this is a good thing, to be sure. Reflexivity is often beneficial. But, I also cannot let these thoughts cripple me or make me feel awkward and ineffective all the time.

In a similar way, my relationships with others should not define my worth or security in myself. Obviously, these relationships with family, friends, and others are incredibly important. And being someone who is rather extroverted and incredibly people-centered, likely I am more affected by this than others. However, I need to derive my ultimate assurance of worth, satisfaction, and security in Christ alone. 

When I take the time to dig through my thoughts and actions down to the core, it is amazing how many are rooted in these sinful patterns of insecurity. Naming and owning it is part of solving the problem, but the true solution comes when these things cause us to fall all the more on Christ’s atonement and God’s redeeming love and grace. I cannot be full and complete on my own, to be sure. But, I do happen to have a God who makes this possible and who uses these things to draw me closer to Himself. And for that I am forever thankful.

Now that my philosophizing for the day is complete and the temperature has risen to 20 degrees, I think it’s time for a Saturday morning run. We’re even supposed to get snow today, so I’m pretty excited. J Enjoy the day, friends! 

Culture. It matters.

       Wow, my history at updating this thing is beyond nonexistent…whoops! Let’s just sum up the last four months with: It’s been crazy busy, filled with more than I ever thought possible, I’ve grown a lot as a person, and I’ll be done with classes in one week. I know that description doesn’t do things justice, but…

       This year has thus far been filled with many triumphs and joys, but definitely not without corresponding trials, sorrows, and ever-copious amounts of incredibly hard work. Life has been full, academically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, and otherwise. I truly think this semester has been one of the most enjoyable and also influential for forming my thought process and how I see myself working in the future. At the very least, I think I’ve finally found my niche. I am yet to be enlightened on what exactly that will look like, but, I know God will let me know in due time.

       My elective courses this semester include maternal, child, & family health and also promoting health equity, both of which pretty well encompass my passions. I also had the opportunity to travel to Washington D.C. with the Iowa Academy of Nutrition & Dietetics for a public policy workshop. Talk about being out of your comfort zone…an inexperienced Midwesterner talking to legislators on the hill, especially when politics aren’t exactly your favorite thing. But, I was able to discover that I actually do like this type of work, likely related to the fact that I would talk to anyone, anytime, about anything. Extrovert problems. But, I am excited to be more involved in public policy work in various ways over the upcoming year.

       One recurring thought and reflection I have had this semester revolves around the concept of culture. Prior to this term, I honestly thought of myself as one without a culture. After all, I don’t fit into a cultural or ethnic minority group, I couldn’t really tell you my ancestry if I had to (eastern European is about as good as it gets), I’ve never been oppressed, I’ve never really moved (I feel like the Illinois to Iowa transition doesn’t really count), and I don’t necessarily fit in with the American mainstream culture. However, my lack of acknowledgement of my own unique background, experiences, privileges, challenges, barriers, and other such factors is actually potentially harmful as I interact with others. If I’m not willing to recognize myself in these ways, I am not truly able to see the entirety of the individual sitting next to me – whether that be a student, patient, or friend.

       So, what is my culture? Terms like Christian, Midwestern, moderately conservative, female, homeschooled, Caucasian, twenty-something, grad student, and other similar terms immediately come to my mind. But, I’ve increasingly realized that there is much more to my story than checking boxes off a demographic sorting sheet. Even if I don’t think my story is interesting, it is important. What makes me Martha? How is my worldview shaped by my culture? What does this mean for my interactions with others? I need to be aware of my own biases and beliefs before I can help others in the most effective and humane way. Even for things as “simple” as nutrition education and counseling. Or teaching. Or talking to someone at the grocery store. These things matter. So, I challenge you, what is YOUR culture?

       Yes, these are the things I think about when my mind needs a break from other things. Who knew the dietitian could be philosophical. But, I’m afraid my procrastinating under the guise of blogging should probably come to an end. Now to start researching evaluation data for the National School Lunch Program for that 15 page paper due next week…